My friends don't like my boyfriend

I'm 16 and have a bunch of friends who for the past 2 years I have spent almost everyday with even when I had boyfriends. 7 months ago I met a boy who lives a bit far from me so sometimes it's hard to see him if I dont have the money for transport.

My friends first of all started saying that I was spending too much time with him, but only because I had to go see him or he had to come see me for us to have some time together.

I love my boyfriend to pieces and am great friends with most of his friends too. But my best friend has been annoying me, just through slight things, and I think she is really immature and patronising. For a long time I have just left it and not said anything, getting more and more angry because my confidence hasn't been built up enough and other situations have been taking their toll on me. But a few days ago I told her what I thought of her - but not in a bitchy way because I didnt want to fight about it. She took it the total wrong way and started going off in a tantrum.

She then said to my boyfriend that he was a low life and a waste of space and that he has changed me and taken me away from her, which isn't true. She told him to go die. My boyfriend in a state of rage said something about her mum, which was extremely harsh because it was true - but he regretted it as soon as he said it.

Now I've got it in the ear from every single one of my friends, saying that obviously I told him about her mother and what was wrong with her - that's why he said it (which I didn't - he already knew because she told him).

My friends are making me choose. I want to choose my boyfriend because I can't stand them anymore; they are making my life a misery. but if I choose my boyfriend and we break up then I'll be a loner. Although I am great mates with my boyfriend's mates it will make things awkward when we do break up. I'm going to college in september but I find it so hard to make friends. I'm scared I'm gonna be alone if I choose him and extremely unhappy if I choose them. Help?

Love, Anonymous Me xxx

The Mookychick answer to your problem

Char says...

relationship advice It's good that in the past you've had boyfriends that haven't taken over your life - we've all been there, it's a lesson learned but it's easy enough to do when you're in love.

You are (hate to be patronising) only 16 so it's not like you have many serious relationships to draw experience from. The kinds that are all-consuming where you live with them, breathe them then eventually hate them. That comes later.

It is fair enough to spend the time you do with your boyf especially if there is a marked distance between you. Even people in their first relationships understand that in order for anything to work, you need to be able to spend time with that person to form the relationship, and for it to then keep going. Your friends have no right - even if they think they do because they think they know you - to dictate how much time you should or should not be spending with them. Unfortunately, when a friend in a social group falls in love and naturally spends more time with their boyfriend than with their friends, it can lead to jealousy. Envy that it's not them, envy you're experiencing something wonderful that they wish they could have, maybe they feel they deserve it more than you, and also of course, because anything that threatens the dynamic of a girl's friendship is bound to cause some ructions if one is perhaps relient on the other for oooh i dont know, confidence, social skills... sometimes if that friend or friends feel they are 'better' than you because they have more money, or weigh less, or are better at art than you, whichever it is, often where girls are concerned, envy is there when they feel threatened by something you have that they don't.

Were you a fairly needy friend? Sometimes if the power balance shifts it can make girls behave nastily. If your friend feels neglected or pushed out you have to look realistically about why this is so.

Are you genuinely pushing her out and not giving the friendship attention or is it just her jealousy? Friends have to accept that sometimes they don't come first, sometimes relationships do. They say that friends are always there and boys come and go, but what if you're best friends with your boyfriend, what do you do then? And if your friend is making you choose indirectly or directly then what kind of friend is she?

I'm afraid there's only one thing you can do and that's stand your ground. If you give in and 'choose' either of them then you're only setting a precendent for future behaviour - in short you're allowing them to choose what you should do and who you should have in your life.

I think if your boyfriend makes you happy you should stay with him - but that doesn't mean you can't have friends too! If I were you I'd try talking honestly... I know that sometimes face to face can make things hard and you end up blurting things out that shouldn't have been said, so why don't you try writing down what you'd like to say?

Things like 'I love you and value your friendship but this is how it is... please don't talk till I'm done, then I will hear how you feel and I won't talk till you're done, and then we can talk together...

It may work, it may not. If that isn't an option, then write a letter to her. Be careful to refrain from using words like 'You did' and 'You should' and try to shift the focus on to how the situation is making you feel inside. Say things like 'I feel bad because of .... but that isn't me blaming you, it's just me sharing how I feel'. Explain how torn you are, how you love your boyfriend and your friends and don't want to be made to choose, because that isn't real friendship either.

I think you could also make it clear that your friend told your boyfriend those things about her mother, and although he was told by her he is sorry for the way in which he used the information. You need to get that sorted, and ideally she can put the record straight because it isn't fair to deceive people.

I also think you don't need to worry so much because you're starting college. There are a zillion frriends you will make that will come into and out of your life and if I had a pound for every social drama I've been in where I've felt like the world had ended because my best friend fucked me over or my boyfriend walked out on me, and I thought I'd never live to see another day, well I'd be a rich girl. One day you'll look back on this and laugh, you'll also realise at what a selfish brat your friend is being.

Just be yourself, say it clear how you feel, what you'd like to have happen and how you think you can move forward, put the ball in her court and please don't be forced into giving up your boyfriend.

Char xx

Ashley says...

relationship advice Guys, gals, we love you, but sometimes... details? When you're done reading your letter, read it over as though you were one of us - if something is "a rather confusing situation," then you need to tell us how.

Writers, honestly - do we use your real name? No. Likewise, if you write us and there are some sensitive details that might identify you to readers (the mom's actually a hermaphrodite who's made her living in your small town by swallowing fire and writing biology essays for cash for your school friends) you can always ask us to consider not including them. We can always supply a reasonable facsimile.

Anyway, to this week's letter-writer, it's not uncommon for the friends you had at 14 to drift away by 16, boyfriends or no boyfriends. The problem I see here is that you're saying you're stuck because of your "confidence" not being "built up." It's not a shopping center whose construction you have no control over. If you're scared to confront your friend or just don't want to, just say so. No one has the power to "make your life a misery" and "make" you choose, unless you're in "Survivor" or "Big Brother."

You are not a pet. Take responsibility for your feelings. Write down what really happened, in stark, honest, unflinching language, even if that description is only for you. If you find new friends or a new boyfriend, this mindset will remain.

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