The good girl's guide to porn for women

by Rhi

"Where's the penis? Porn without any penis? Surely not?"

If you'd like to explore porn but haven't got a clue where to start without infecting your innocent eyes or poor little computer with Bad, we've concocted a Good girl's guide to porn - yes, computer-safe porn for women that isn't rubbish! Pack your rabbit, click the (mouse) button and enjoy...

From the media attention surrounding the accessibility of porn on the internet I would have assumed that 99% of the web consists of sites dedicated to busty blondes with perfect tans, ten inch wonders with eye-watering girth and bombshells waxed to within an inch of their lives. I would have believed the remaining 1% to consist of ASOS, e-bay and my junk e-mail folder. Alas, I would have been wrong! The brain boxes down at The Guardian reported recently that porn takes up just 1.1% of all web pages. When you consider how much sex consumes our daily lives, that percentage really doesn't seem so high.

Whilst researching, ahem, the best material out there on the World Wide Web I stumbled across a book called XXX Porn for Women: Hotter, Hunkier, and More Helpful Around the House. The cover was adorned with a domestic god with a Hollywood smile. So - is that what we ladies are supposed to want? A good romp, but ultimately someone to help with the ironing after?

Porn, such a teeny four letter word, causes such a controversy; are we sexually liberated and free, or smutty, rude and crude?

Press the golden button on your search engine, don't limit your searches (unless you know your parents or school library are going to catch you out) and type "porn for women". Lo and behold, web pages dedicated to us ladies spring up in less than one millisecond. However, separating these web pages are news articles about porn damaging our emotional health and websites trying to get us to buy books on porn statistics and how many more females are demanding suitable porn for women. Not so much female-friendly porn - more a whole bunch of people talking about it.

Newspapers like 'The Metro' and 'Times Online' are ruining our buzz, and it seems us ladies have to fight the porn stereotypes out there. If you're someone who celebrates porn, or who has every intention of doing so, this is for you. Obviously I cannot list every webpage, director and practice out there, so this is a short summary of where to start your porn adventure.

Sex sells, that's no secret, and if companies could sell dog food and hearing aids with a sexy twist then they would. Our magazine stands have definitely been sexed up to the max, getting steamier than a cheap channel 5 film at midnight. Often the ladies cover their perfect bods with props, clever lighting or use techniques like cupping the boobs to make an aptly named handbra - or there could be another person, a cross over of the arms or a convenient slant or shimmy to cover up those cheeky nipples. It's not just glamour girls adopting this teasing pose; celebs like Heidi Klum in GQ and Keira Knightly both cover up their lady lumps in this very way. As comic Jo Brand once championed, why don't we have a women's equivalent to ogle? Her reason being, a cheeky side boob is much sexier than one cheeky testicle... Good point there, Jo.

So with us ladies and gents just looking so damned good, and the technology to photography and record, we've got softcore porn. The first porn DVD I ever brought was from high street sex shop Ann Summers, rated 18 and called "Hoxton Honey". Directed by Britain's first female porn director, Anna Span, it was indeed soft-core and was aimed at women delving into the world of pornography for the first time.

If you fancy a try before you buy, then visit Annaspansdiary.com and have a good'ol butchers. She's even written a book on how to make your own home made porno. So, if you're the kind of lady who likes to use your imagination, a hint of sexiness and implied naughtiness instead of the full on kink then this range is for you. It's all about boobs and bum, no lady gardens or pork swords here.

On my porn research travels, looking for porn I'd actually enjoy, it was more than clear that web pages targeted at women always seemed to charge, to mushroom up out of nowhere - they are cashing in on an up and coming niche market. Nevertheless, if you don't mind parting with some pennies to get your rocks off properly then there are two pages which offer, just as Anna Span does, porn by women for women. Try www.sssh.com. Not only does the web address lend itself to the idea of something very discrete, there are several different types of porn, ranging from photos, journal entries and sexy stories to porn how to guides and video tutorials. Secondly, you might also want to have a look at www.hotmoviesforher.com - this page also has toy reviews and a message board to talk to other like-minded ladies! And let's not forget www.forthegirls.com, a porn site for girls that does what it says on the tin!

However, I for one believe that porn with no penis is like a car with no engine, no va va voom! So if you want something a bit naughtier, or hardcore, that won't give your laptop viruses, try one of these decent free porn sites: www.youporn.com or www.redtube.com both allow you to watch free online, no dodgy downloading in sight!

If you share a computer and would like to delete your browsing history it is very simple; on a laptop or PC find the tools dropdown at the top left of your internet window, select 'clear private data', or use a shortcut of Ctrl+Shift+Delete and voila. Additionally, get yourself a version of Firefox if you're a bit of a web wizard - it stops all those nasty pop ups. Sometimes you don't want any XXX when you're buying bread and milk online!

On these rudey pages you can search through the videos for duration, sexual orientation and type in key words. But if you don't like videos and static pictures are more your thing, then try out www.specialporngalleries.com/ which is host to every genre of sexy picture out there. If you, like me, thought that 'Dirty Sanchez' was a programme, 'Strawberry shortcake' was a desert and 'angry pirate' was a fancy dress outfit then you too need the Urban Dictionary in your life. Because on these sites you'll come across a whole barrage of porno technical terms, from gushing, squirting, cream pies and MILFs to DP to money shots... And, believe me, porno 'A Levels' don't require any certificates.

Gushing and squirting are one and the same thing; basically a woman ejaculating anything from a small squirt to a big gush. I've heard through grapevine that men can love this, but - sorry girls - there's no faking this after a long day! Not unless you're genuinely not looking for pleasure, just visual effect - some porn video squirters are actually just weeing at high speed after having drunk lots of water.

Cream pie, both vaginal and anal, is a quirky twist on the cum shot and is internal. You won't get that in any high street café. MILFs, epitomised by American Pies very own buxom beauty Stifler's Mom, are an older lady, also called mature, and the acronym stands for 'mum I'd like to fuck'. DP? No, not Dorothy Perkins but Double Penetration, meaning penetration in both front and bottom holes, either with toys or two men (think of a woman sandwich) and not for the faint hearted. Lastly we have the money shot, also suggestive of a creamy shot made out of vanilla vodka, milk and Bailey's liquor. The money shot is the finale of the porn experience, and the colourful descriptive term given to the man ejaculating, well, wherever he wants really. Most common places would be breasts, bum, face and mouth. When many men do it at the same time it's called Bukkake and a bit of a Japanese porn video tradition (although Japanese porn videos have also been known to include some bizarre things like women screaming at insects and women farting), but that's not so much for the mainstream viewer.

Now that you, the beginner, are armed with some lovely porn lingo, a starting block and an open mind I wish you happy sexploration!

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Mookychick believes that climbing trees and riding giant turtles is more fun and girly than worrying about make-up. But if you want to worry about make-up instead of turtles? Fine by us. Be you feminist, kitten, punk, emo, indie, goth, witch, vegan, horror junky, intellectual, christian goth, corset queen, geek, unicorn, sea monkey... be you into alternative style, alternative health, spirituality, comics, manga, j-pop, harajuku or jock culture... we will always love you.